Unwelcome Milestone
Wednesday, March 3, 2010 at 12:57PM Alone in the dark, I asked Esme a question: "Is Susie mean to you?"
Susie (of course, I've changed her name) is an older girl who rides the bus with Esme. Best I can tell, she's in second or third grade. She often sends Esme home with treats: bubble gum, a plastic necklace, candy. Some days she gives Esme "homework:" printed words that she asks Esme to trace, instructions to draw different shapes, basic addition and subtraction problems.
Most days, Esme seems thrilled with her older friend.
Others, she gets off the bus with droopy shoulders and a sad face. So, I wondered.
"Is Susie mean to you," I said. I was sleeping on the empty bed in her room -- on guard against the "trolls and the mice and all the bad things" that she asks me to keep out every night before heading to bed.
"Yesss," she said with some hesitation. "Some times she makes me do things I don't want to do."
I felt the pit fill my stomach, felt a slow dread creep from my center out to my limbs.
We spend so much time as parents exulting over the milestones our kids meet: the first time they smile, roll over, walk and talk. We follow them around with cameras and notebooks recording their triumphs. We call the grandparents. We clap and cheer. Tobias just learned to kiss and, the way it makes me feel, you'd think he won Olympic gold in Vancouver.
We forget about the unwelcome milestones, though. The rites of passage that nearly every kid slogs through. The ones that break their heart, shake their confidence or test our faith. The ones no one wants to record.
The first breakup. The first test they fail. The first time they get drunk at a party. The first time they lie.
And this: the first time they're bullied.
Esme confided that she doesn't like when Susie gives her math "homework." Probably because she can't do it. And nothing annoys or frustrates Esme more than something she can't do.
She tells Susie she doesn't want to do it, she said. Susie doesn't listen. She tries to sit in another seat, she said. Susie picks her up and brings her back.
Turns out, Susie's older brother might not win the Kindest Kid On The Bus Award either. "He said my name in a mean way," she said, then imitated a ferocious, menacing growl.
Esme's personality outside the house or around people who aren't part of her nuclear six is entirely different from what we know of her. Even my parents, who see and talk to her regularly, have never truly seen her. Neither have her closest friends or teachers.
So, while she can be a bossy boss of extraordinary proportions with Desmond, Josephine and Tobias, she does not exert herself like that with others. She may give off easy-to-read "get away" vibes, throw fiercely nasty looks or otherwise let people know she'd rather play alone. But she won't say so in the strong, loud, fiery voice we know.
"Sometimes, I'm afraid to tell people what I think," I told Esme.
"Me too," she said.
I told her Susie confused me because it sounded like she did such nice things some days but did mean things other days.
"I know," Esme said. Clearly, she's confused too.
"Let's think about what we can do the next time she acts bossy," I said.
I asked whether she wanted me to talk to our neighbor, a 6th-grade girl, whom Esme rides carpool with in the morning. I thought I could ask her to keep an eye on Esme and intervene if she saw Susie intimidating her.
"No," Esme said immediately.
"You know, there's a trick they teach people like me, who are afraid to talk in front of large crowds...." I said.
"I am too," she interrupted.
So, I told her that we're supposed to imagine the audience filled with people dressed only in their underpants. She laughed loud and hard. The next time Susie tries to boss you or make you do something you don't want to, I said, imagine you're looking at Josephine or Desmond and tell them - angrily - "NO! I DON'T WANT TO!"
The thought of finding courage by putting Josephine or Desmond's face on Susie's made her laugh loud and hard again.
I practiced it several times for her, with different bossy Susie scenarios, and every time she LAUGHED. OUT. LOUD.
I walked her through the steps she should take when anyone - not just Susie - treats her unkindly. We talked about the phrase "killing someone with kindness."
I started there: use kindness to deflate the mean or angry. Next, walk away. And if that doesn't work, tell an adult. She told me she couldn't do that on the bus. So, if she's stuck on a bus or somewhere else where she can't get an adult's immediate help, I told her to get loud. Then get angry.
Am I wrong?
I realize that in the grand scheme of bullying, being forced to do math problems is about as harmless as it comes. But the incident reinforces a trait of Esme's I knew we'd have to confront at some point: her fear of standing up for herself. It's a trait I share. And continue to struggle with.
I'm allergic to confrontation and fear hurting people's feelings.
To complicate the story, I know a bit about Susie and her bossy brother because I did my own bit of bullying and browbeating as a kid. It's something I've been grossly ashamed of since I was a teenager. Sadly, we can't rewrite the past.
I could probably tell Esme that Susie and her brother and others like them act the way they do because they're frightened about something. Or angry. Or feel powerless. But would that help? Would she understand?
Isn't it more helpful to figure out how to empower her to stand up for herself?
I've been puzzling over all of these questions since last night and still can't come up with the answers.
Reader Comments (6)
Dana, this is fantastic. I love the 'picture them in their underwear' idea. I am going to use this with Kate next time she tells me she's being bullied. A few weeks ago she attended a party where the birthday girl intentionally ignored her and coerced the other girls not to talk to her either. Kate is still talking about it 2 weeks later. Sigh.
Wish I could hug Esme (AND you!) right now! Oh, that's hard. Makes my stomach hurt for her.
I think you have way more answers than you're giving yourself credit for. By helping Esme come up with ways to help herself, you're giving her tools she can use for a long time.
If' it's any help...Ava's school teaches a "stop, talk, walk" strategy that I've seen her use well with Noe. When someone does something to you that you don't like, you hold up your hand (near you, not in their face--unless it's urgent, I guess!) and say, "Stop!" Then you follow up with, "I don't like how you are [whatever]. I want you to stop it." If the person doesn't stop, you walk away and, if there is still danger or a threat, you can tell an adult what happened.
Just another framework to give kids some control over a confusing situation...I know it wouldn't work well on a bus--especially if big brother is participating!
If it goes on, I wouldn't hesitate to talk with the parents and/or bus driver. YUCK!
So sorry. This is definitely not a happy milestone.
L
Eliza has also encountered something like this - i put it under a broad umbrella of 'mean girl' behavior that just breaks my heart. i know kids can be mean to each other...but does it have to start at 5 and 6 years' old? isn't that what junior high school is for? your strategies are great and Esme is such a terrific kid with such a terrific mom that she is going to learn to navigate this nonsense, but boy don't i wish that she/Eliza/no little girl would have to experience it in the first place.
by the way, i adore your blog. you are a fabulous writer and i am an obsessed reader...
this godmomma is going to kick some Susie ass! on second thought, your wise approach is clearly the sounder one. just let me know if you need me to go commando on that bus... brave Esme!!!
You go mama! I am so impressed with your calm approach. Talking it out with Esme is exactly what she needs. I don't know that I've ever been that effective, but I think starting so young is the key.
Here's a happy ending to a similar story for Haley. There's a girl in her class who, for lack of a better description, does not play well with others. Haley has butted heads with "Susie" for the whole year. This week, she developed empathy as she recognized that Susie has some trouble at home. She also decided to kill her with kindness. As Haley describes it, she realized that kids aren't nice to Susie, which makes Susier respond nastily and ten-fold. So Haley was just nice to her. She made an extra effort at kindness towards Susie. And now, she has a new best friend. Susie even saved a seat for her at lunch today.
This is way beyond 5 year old stuff, but I share it because it shows that with an investment, working on this with Esme will pay off. It may not be today, or this week, but you'll see the fruits of your effort some day soon. And it will warm your heart like you've never felt it warmed in your life. Makes a mama proud, indeed.
LOVE that story Suzanne. Yay you. Yay Haley!!