10,525

The past week of writing has been marked by absolute panic, frustrated tears, brutal self-doubt, and blank computer screens full of scorn and reproach. 

And yet, every day, I wrote. 

I wrote when I didn't have ideas. I wrote without inspiration. I wrote when I had no energy. 

And, every day, I went to bed with a new 1,667 words and something that I created out of nothing.  

Today, when I finally finished my writing for the day, I'd surpassed the 10,000 word mark and brought my total word count to 10,525 over the six days since the NaNo challenge started. I practically fist-pumped the air when I closed my computer, and I may have skipped home. 

I'm an agonizingly slow writer, mercilessly constipated by the idea that each word must be precise, each sentence perfect and the paragraphs properly ordered. Fitting together everything just so, in a way that reminds me of solving math equations, is one of my favorite joys of writing. 

But that same idea of precision can be the worst enemy of writing. Because when I hit a speed bump - which happens often - my frustration can quickly lead to panic, then doubt, then defeat. 

I started the NaNo project with no illusions that I would finish with 50,000 words in 30 days. I know my strengths and speed isn't one of them, but I hoped to have fun experimenting with a new style of writing. And I hoped to stumble upon some interesting ideas. I didn't mind not getting the winning badge. But I also didn't think I'd fall behind the daily word count by the second day. 

After working through writer's block on the first day, I started the second with more confidence but quickly found myself right back where I'd started the day before. Full of insecurity and self-recrimination. "Fraud!" I scolded. 

I talked myself down from the edge, tried to focus on blocks of 10 words, then 20, then 100 until ideas emerged and characters sang. I patted myself on the back before I went to bed the second day and congratulated myself for finding a groove. 

Then I tried to write on Day 3 and felt a familiar pit of anxiety in my stomach. 

It was like flipping Groundhog Day. Every day this past week. But, I kept at it and here I am. Over 10,000 words. I can't believe it. 

The next week is going to get squirrely. Kent is going on a three-day work trip, and the kids will be home from school the last three days of the week for parent-teacher conferences. So, my writing will have to wait until all four kids finally crawl into bed each night. 

Here's what I'm going to keep in mind though. My lessons from the past week:   

• Characters can't speak unless you open the computer and let them.
• You can work through writer's block just like you climb mountains, one goddam step at a time.
• You can write. Even when you think you can't, you can. 
• The panic will subside.
• The groove will come.
• Halloween candy will keep you awake and writing into the night.
• It will also make you fat.
• Characters will do what they want, not what you planned. 
• I am most alive when I am writing. I am exhausted but alive!

Comments

[seeking elevation]

Yay!!! I know exactly what you mean. Keep going!! xoxo

[Carrie Knowles]

Bravo! It is true...only you can make your characters speak. Love that they can also sing. Can they dance? Stay alive, keep writing.

[Jessie Powell]

Yes! Alive. That is when I am most alive, too. I'm exhausted exhilerated (sp?) and completely not-angry. It's the only time that the anger is gone for me.